What is happening?
I can feel it happening. The overwhelming stress coming over me once again. It’s almost like a cycle. Some days I wake up ready to tackle the day. I have a positive, can-do attitude and I solve the problems I am faced with. Then there are days like today.
Today I couldn’t get out of bed. Today I laid in bed, almost paralyzed with negative thoughts and feelings about today. The day hadn’t even started, but my mind decided it was going to be awful. I finally got myself off my dang phone and up around 9:45…NINE FREAKING FORTY FIVE people. Just a few weeks ago I was getting up at 5:08 and making it to the 5:30 workout class before school. I actually don’t even know who that person is anymore. That ‘life’ seems like it is so far in the past, yet it was only a few weeks ago.
Today, I barely had started my workout and it was 10:00 am. That would normally be snack time in my classroom. We would have already had our morning meeting, read a story together, and completed reader’s workshop. Today, all I accomplished was getting out of bed. Not even ready and dressed for the day- just vertical.
Now, I sit at my computer for hours a day and accomplish next to nothing. I’ve become the master of lists to feel productive. I tell myself that if it is written down and I am thinking about my priorities, that counts as work. What’s worse, is that I can’t just relax during this time. If I lay on the couch or sit to watch a show, I have this feeling of laziness, that I should be doing ‘something.’ What the heck is that something? As much as I work, as many emails as I sent out and closets that I have organized, it comes back to this feeling of not doing enough. It is more of a feeling- a sense of satisfaction with my day. Did I get my workout in? Did I get outside for a walk? Did I eat the entire pantry? Did I get anything done for school?
My team is trying their hardest to work together and get our families and students what they need during this difficult time. Here’s the problem. We don’t know what the heck we are doing! Nobody does! This is the definition of the blind leading the blind and teachers flying by the seat of their (pajama) pants. We come up with an idea, a template, a lesson. Now we have to get it out to parents. How do I know they can access it? When will they have time to sit down and do this activity when they’re trying to also hold a job? These are only some of my worries.
I realize that every school and district can be a little different in terms of expectations. My district is doing their best to create a sustainable balance between getting curriculum out to students while still recognizing the support needed for basic needs like food and utilities. There are Facebook groups for social emotional support for teachers. Staff members are reaching out and sending emails to check on us, but guess what. It’s not enough. It will never be enough, because this is not how school should be.
I can’t get past the fact that my precious 5 and 6 year old kids won’t get to experience a field trip this year. They won’t get to participate in the ABC countdown and dress up like pirates, go on letter hunts, and eat bubblegum. They won’t have the opportunity to experience the magic that is KINDERGARTEN. They got cheated. Do I think we should risk spreading the virus just so kids can have a spirit day? Absolutely not. I am just grieving.
I am grieving the time I lost with my class.
I am grieving the loss and uncertainty that these kids are experiencing.
I am grieving the loss of my time with my best friends and co-workers.
I am grieving the loss of time. Time to hug, time to smile, time to teach these babies.
I am grieving the loss of my job. Online teaching is NOT teaching.
I am grieving the loss of the precious time at this point in the school year when you finally have a strong class community. You genuinely know the kids in your class and they have formed strong friendships. This school family got taken apart far too early.
I AM GRIEVING. We all are.
It has taken 5 weeks at home, in isolation, for me to realize this. I am not one to feel all the feelings. I tend to let things bottle up until I explode, cry for a day or two, and move on. I joke with my friends that I cry four times a year, but it’s pretty true. I prefer to cover up and move on using humor. For me to admit and acknowledge that I am grieving is a huge pressure lifted. I can now name, and FIX this.
What do I mean by fixing it? I mean I am going to go back and read those 15 emails we were sent yesterday- all about ONE OPTIONAL meeting. I am going to work my butt off to create interesting and interactive video lessons for my kids even if only 2 of my kids watch them. I am going to keep recording myself reading books. I am going to continue to host chaotic video meetings with my entire class. I am going to continue to write in my gratitude journal every morning. Some days it might be something simple like my warm cup of coffee or dinner made by my husband. Other days it might be my health, my family’s health, the safety of a roof over my head.
Big or small, I will be grateful. I will be thankful that I have the opportunity to use this TIME. I will be thankful that I have family close by that I can call or video chat with. I will be thankful that I have a job and a paycheck. I am so lucky that I am grieving the small stuff and not anything big. I can be grateful, thankful and stressed all at the same time. There is no right or wrong way to feel right now. Just feel.
-Jordan